Stuff

uncountable scars

red hair buzzed three months ago

only one green eye

I thought that'd be the best way to describe myself. It occurred to me I haven't yet.

Anyway, I'm finally out of the midwest. Trail picks up on the east coast--I'm glad that Smiley was considerate enough to wait until the hurricane was over. Downright fucking decent of it.

Bit of a rant: One of the worst things about this is that it ruins things I would have thought were awesome a year ago.

Examples: One year ago, if I knew I was going to drop out of school right before graduation and wander around the country hunting a monster, I would've been all "Fuck Yes."

A year ago, if you told me I was destined to punch out a cop (it was to save his life, long story), I would have told you that that was fucking awesome and then probably said something like "Fuck the System".

At age seventeen, if I had known that, some day, I would find a ton of people online who had a lot in common with me and all went through stuff kind of like what I was going to, I probably would have tearfully said, "Really?" and then immediately deny crying and say "Cool, whatever."

Okay, maybe that last one not so much.

Fuck, past me is so dumb.

Excuses

There're many reasons I could name that have postponed thenext few parts of my past story from getting updated....but they're all excuses. Even "my face is bleeding."

The real reason is....all the people in my school going missing, the bodies, the fucking memetic thoughtform entity,those aren't the low points of the story. But the low point is coming, and I'm so fucking ashamed of it, it's hard to post. Yeah, I sold someone out to Smiley to save Tara, and that is not the part I am ashamed of.

That being said....it's been long enough. Time to stop hiding from the truth.

Expect real updates to start again. Soon.

Re: My Face

My face is like a roadmap of scars. A lot of them meet at Right Eye Memorial Junction.

owie

you'd think i'd be used to facial trauma by now

Busy

I've in transit the past few days, so that's why you haven't heard from me. Seems Smilley's not even IN Santa Fe, it just killed a few people to lure me here so it had more time in Lafayette.

I'm close, though, but I'm not there yet. I'm tempted to stop by home while I'm so close, but... I also feel like I've burned that bridge already. No use in trying to cross again.

So Much Teenageness

I'm going to skip some of the next stuff. There's a lot of wangsting about not being able to stop it, not finding any good clues, wondering when the next body was going to show up, fretting about who the next victim would be, trying to get a solid lead on Smiley's characteristics and MO, and philosophical ranting about the nature of smiling. I might post some of the highlights, though.

I mean it, there's like fifty pages of this bullshit. I am so not fucking kidding.

It's weird to think this all happened less than half a fucking year ago. I look back at the old me and see someone completely fucking different. Maybe, in some ways, I was.

In recent news, I saw a cop get peeled like a clementine the other day. So there's, um, that.

Shit, I hate the southwest.

NOW addendum

I could post more self-indulgent, inspirational bits about how fucking badass I am, but honestly I'm tired of writing about monsters. I mean, I deal with monsters all the time. Honestly right now I just want to write something else and get my mind off my uterus for a while. Yeah, TMI, deal with it.

Also, I haven't really been feeling well lately, mentally, and, well, talking about music seems to work for other people in similar situations.

I don't think I like Who Killed Amanda (Fucking) Palmer as much as I like her Dresden Dolls stuff. I mean, it's alright, some of the songs are pretty catchy, but her group stuff is so much better.

I dunno, maybe it's too over-produced? I mean, it's not bad, but I'm not sure there's anything on the album quite as good as Gravity or Delilah. Maybe I'm just nit-picking, or maybe I just automatically recoil when I read or hear the name Ben Folds like a vampire recoils from a cross.

Oasis is pretty fun, though. I really like lyrical dissonance.

Part of it is, I think, that I really liked the earlier stuff, which is weird because before Punk Cabaret I mostly listened to stuff my dad liked-- the Stones, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Queen, Van Halen (Between this and taking me hunting, can you tell he really, really wanted a son, yet?). But when Tara introduced me to the music of Amanda (Fucking) Palmer and Brian Viglione, I found myself, kind of against my will, loving it. And WKA(F)P is different. That's part of the point, though. A lot of it is stuff she didn't want to release on a Dresden Dolls album because she didn't think it would fit. And I'm glad she released it here rather than on a Dresden Dolls album.

Also, I miss Brian Viglione. His drumming is fucking amazing, especially if you've seen it done live. I mean, even though I'm not really into this whole 'sex' thing, I would fuck Brian Viglione in a heartbeat. I don't think I'm even attracted to him, personally. I think it's some weird fucking primal thing about those drums.

Speaking of Dresden Dolls, I kinda wonder if the Orange Man from Slide is another "Fear", or if he's just one of the thousand references to getting molested Amanda (Fucking) Palmer puts in her songs. I mean, just from a little research I'm finding a lot of them labeled the ____ Man. Hell, the...whatever the fuck it is I'm chasing, Mr. Smiles (I've decided not to give it the dignity of the longer version of its name), was originally named the Smiling Man by its originators. They're like anti-super heroes. Invulnerable, unbeatable, and undeniably evil. Sweet dreams!

Anyway, back on topic and away from the depressing one, my favorite part of Who Killed Amanda (Fucking) Palmer is the end of the thing Gaiman wrote on the back of it. (which is a weird thing to be my favorite but I digress) "If you see Amanda (Fucking) Palmer on the street, kill her. That way she'll live forever."

Fuck, if you see Jeanette (Motherfucking) Cotton on the street, give her a sandwich and some fucking ammunition, that way she'll live a few more weeks.

NOW (3)

I ran into someone today who said he was running from a Tall Man. He said the Tall Man killed his friends, and now the Tall Man was coming for him, slowly, chasing him across the country. He said there were others like himself. Called them 'Runners'. They all had their own, different stories, they all had their own, different demons following them, but in the end, they all had that in common--they were running, and the devil followed.

He saw the state of my clothes, the pack on my back, the suitcase at my side, and asked me what I was running from.

I told him I wasn't running from mine.

I told him I was chasing it.

NOW (2)

You have no idea how long it took me, back then in January, to remember that I was eight-fucking-teen and didn't need to listen to my parents about curfews and house arrests and bullshit like that. I mostly just sat in my room and listened to Delilah on repeat. I think I'll cut out those posts, the weepy ones about responsibility and Tara being mad at me blah blah blah etc.

It's empowering, isn't it? Being an adult. A year ago I could never have done what I've done.

Done. It's a final word, like Over. As long as we remember something, is it ever really over? I twitch every time I see someone -smile- . How can I say it's over?

I think I'm just melodramatic and rambling right now. I think I need to be melodramatic and rambling, though, you know?

I suppose as someone in the 'future' I should leave some sort of cryptic but poignant clue as to what happened but I'm too tired. I don't sleep much anymore. Always on the move.

I'd say I'm being badass but I just want to put as much distance between me and my old life as possible. It's safer for everyone else.

I know you're worried about me. You know who you are. Please, just forget about me. You have a future. You have other friends. Right now I have nothing.

It's safer for everyone that way.

NOW (1)

There's these spiders, Zodaraiidae. They feed by looking like ants, walking right into a colony and just chowing down. Except, they don't look like ants, not really. Not if you look real close. But in some ways, they mimic ant behavior, to avoid detection. Ants assume they're seeing another ant. Like they can't not see the ant, like they refuse to see what the spider truly is.

It's over. I keep telling myself that. But I found one spider. How do I know there aren't more in the nest?

I. I Don't Even Know.

It's been...well, it's been months.

I tried to update this, I did. But instead, the posts sat on my computer. Who would believe me?

But it's over, now. It's over and I want to start posting my previous entries. Please, keep an open mind.

But, Jesus Fucking Christ. How can I tell others about this? How can I give someone else the burden of this knowledge?

You'll have to see for yourself, I guess.

--Jeanette Angeline Cotton